Social Commentary
45 bits
“There's an epidemic of gold-digging whores in this country.”
Epidemic of Gold Digging Whores
Bill Burr
Why Do I Do This?, 2008
“Any job you can do in your pajamas is not the hardest job on the planet.”
Motherhood Isn't The Hardest Job
Bill Burr
I'm Sorry You Feel That Way, 2014
“Her time is more expensive than your time.”
Elephant in the Room - Time
Patrice O'Neal
Elephant in the Room, 2011
“They killed Malcolm X... and we let them get away with it.”
8:46
Dave Chappelle
YouTube, June 2020
“There are some words you can never say on television... seven words.”
Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television
George Carlin
Class Clown, 1972
“Shell shock. Battle fatigue. Post-traumatic stress disorder. The pain is completely buried under jargon.”
Soft Language
George Carlin
Doin' It Again, 1990
“I love Black people, but I hate n****s.”
Black People vs. N****s
Chris Rock
Bring the Pain, 1996
“If a bullet cost $5,000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders.”
Bullet Control
Chris Rock
Bigger & Blacker, 1999
“Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check is wealthy.”
Rich vs. Wealthy
Chris Rock
Never Scared, 2004
“The only hill he had left to climb!”
Arnold and His Maid
Bill Burr
You People Are All the Same, 2012
“I've never been that lost.”
Killin' Them Softly - White People
Dave Chappelle
Killin' Them Softly, 2000
“That's all your house is—a pile of stuff with a cover on it.”
A Place for My Stuff
George Carlin
A Place for My Stuff, 1981
“It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
The American Dream
George Carlin
Life Is Worth Losing, 2005
“But He loves you. He loves you and He needs money!”
Religion Is Bullshit
George Carlin
You Are All Diseased, 1999
“We lie to you because we care about your feelings.”
Men Need to Cheat
Patrice O'Neal
Elephant in the Room, 2011
“Your browser history is closer to who you really are than your personality.”
The Internet Is Like Your Brain
Patrice O'Neal
Opie & Anthony appearances, various
“There's no reason to hit a woman? I could give you like seventeen right now.”
No Reason to Hit a Woman
Bill Burr
You People Are All the Same, 2012
“We need to start randomly sinking cruise ships.”
Population Control
Bill Burr
I'm Sorry You Feel That Way, 2014
“The kid in China who actually built it is the genius.”
Steve Jobs
Bill Burr
Walk Your Way Out, 2017
“You don't want honesty. You want honesty that makes you feel good.”
Harassment Day
Patrice O'Neal
Opie & Anthony, various appearances
“The internet didn't make us bad. It just showed us what we already were.”
The Web Junk 20 Roast
Patrice O'Neal
VH1's Web Junk 20, 2006
“Baby, what are you doing out here? It's three o'clock in the morning!”
The Baby on the Corner
Dave Chappelle
Killin' Them Softly, 2000
“In football, you receive a penalty. In baseball, you make an error.”
Baseball vs. Football
George Carlin
George Carlin: On Location, 1977
“People who whistle. Just walking around, whistling.”
People Who Ought to Be Killed
George Carlin
Back in Town, 1996
“It's all bullshit, folks. And it's bad for ya.”
Advertising and Bullshit
George Carlin
Jammin' in New York, 1992
“There is no sex in the champagne room.”
No Sex in the Champagne Room
Chris Rock
Bigger & Blacker, 1999
“You're either married and bored, or single and lonely.”
Married and Bored, Single and Lonely
Chris Rock
Never Scared, 2004
“Everybody called me a bitch. Will slapped me, and I was the bitch.”
Selective Outrage - Will Smith
Chris Rock
Selective Outrage, 2023 (Netflix Live)
“Can you say 'scumbucket'? Sure, I knew you could.”
Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood
Eddie Murphy
Saturday Night Live, 1981-1984
“Half. She gets half.”
The Barbecue
Eddie Murphy
Raw, 1987
“The line is a human-formed cattle chute.”
The Front of the Line
Jerry Seinfeld
23 Hours to Kill, 2020
“You realize that the phone is not on your side. The phone is not your friend.”
The Phone
Jerry Seinfeld
23 Hours to Kill, 2020
“We had a president who was an ex-alcoholic, an ex-cokehead, and a deserter. And he went to war.”
Weapons of Self Destruction
Robin Williams
Weapons of Self Destruction, 2009
“God gave men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Viagra
Robin Williams
Robin Williams: Live on Broadway, 2002
“Your thoughts and prayers aren't helping anyone. Do you know what that is? That's you saying, 'Don't forget about me today.'”
Thoughts and Prayers
Anthony Jeselnik
Thoughts and Prayers, 2015
“Google 'Bill Cosby rape.' That shit has more results than Hannibal Buress.”
The Cosby Bit
Hannibal Buress
Live stand-up at the Trocadero, Philadelphia, 2014
“I don't want to lean in. I want to lie down.”
I Don't Want to Lean In
Ali Wong
Baby Cobra, 2016
“I worked so hard to trap him.”
Trap a Man
Ali Wong
Baby Cobra, 2016
Breastfeeding
Ali Wong
Hard Knock Wife, 2018
Why I Don't Want Kids
Nikki Glaser
Someday You'll Die, 2024
Aging in Hollywood
Nikki Glaser
Someday You'll Die, 2024
Body Image
Nikki Glaser
Good Clean Filth, 2022
Jaywalking Arrest
Hannibal Buress
Comedy Camisado, 2014 / Various performances
The Hustle
Ali Wong
Baby Cobra, 2016
Asian Identity
Ali Wong
Hard Knock Wife, 2018