Bert Kreischer Is The Machine

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are best friends. They are also, by any reasonable metric, completely incompatible human beings. Segura is deadpan, controlled, precise. Kreischer is shirtless, screaming, chaos incarnate. Their friendship shouldn't work. It works beautifully.

The material about Bert has become a running thread through Segura's career. But it's less a bit and more a genre: Tom Segura, horrified witness to the Bert Kreischer experience.

"Bert doesn't drink like a normal person. A normal person has a few drinks. Bert drinks like someone who just got bad news."

What elevates the material beyond "my friend is wild" is Segura's genuine philosophical interest in what makes Bert tick. How does someone sustain that level of chaos? What is the internal experience of being Bert Kreischer?

"I think Bert is genuinely afraid of being alone with his own thoughts. That's why he drinks and talks and takes his shirt off. If he ever sat still and was quiet, he might have to actually think about things. And that terrifies him."

It's funny because it's probably true. And because Bert would hear this analysis, laugh, take off his shirt, and pour another drink.