Observational
69 bits
“Her time is more expensive than your time.”
Elephant in the Room - Time
Patrice O'Neal
Elephant in the Room, 2011
“Shell shock. Battle fatigue. Post-traumatic stress disorder. The pain is completely buried under jargon.”
Soft Language
George Carlin
Doin' It Again, 1990
“BIKES!”
Bikes
Tom Segura
Disgraceful, 2018
“Steven Seagal believes he's a reincarnated Buddhist lama.”
Steven Seagal Stories
Tom Segura
Ball Hog, 2020
“Looked right at the camera. At the gas station. That you go to every day.”
The First 48
Tom Segura
Completely Normal, 2014
“Keep 'em high and tight, Mommy.”
Jeans Up High and Tight
Tom Segura
Your Mom's House Podcast / Various Specials
“Sorry for the convenience.”
Escalator Temporarily Stairs
Mitch Hedberg
Strategic Grill Locations, 1999
“I do it because I hate bread.”
Ducks and Bread
Mitch Hedberg
Strategic Grill Locations, 1999
“Where the fuck did you get that banana?”
Banana Traffic Light
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch All Together, 2003
“Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check is wealthy.”
Rich vs. Wealthy
Chris Rock
Never Scared, 2004
“You ain't got no ice cream. You didn't get none.”
Ice Cream Man
Eddie Murphy
Delirious, 1983
“Aunt Bunny fell down the steps!”
Aunt Bunny Falls Down the Stairs
Eddie Murphy
Delirious, 1983
“The helicopter's landing on a moving ship! In the ocean!”
Cruise Ship Helicopter
Bill Burr
Let It Go, 2010
“I've never been that lost.”
Killin' Them Softly - White People
Dave Chappelle
Killin' Them Softly, 2000
“That's all your house is—a pile of stuff with a cover on it.”
A Place for My Stuff
George Carlin
A Place for My Stuff, 1981
“The internet didn't make us bad. It just showed us what we already were.”
The Web Junk 20 Roast
Patrice O'Neal
VH1's Web Junk 20, 2006
“We're all at the lake. We all know what we're doing.”
Women and Fish
Patrice O'Neal
Elephant in the Room, 2011
“Baby, what are you doing out here? It's three o'clock in the morning!”
The Baby on the Corner
Dave Chappelle
Killin' Them Softly, 2000
“In football, you receive a penalty. In baseball, you make an error.”
Baseball vs. Football
George Carlin
George Carlin: On Location, 1977
“People who whistle. Just walking around, whistling.”
People Who Ought to Be Killed
George Carlin
Back in Town, 1996
“It's all bullshit, folks. And it's bad for ya.”
Advertising and Bullshit
George Carlin
Jammin' in New York, 1992
“Bert drinks like someone who just got bad news.”
Bert Kreischer Is The Machine
Tom Segura
Various podcasts and live appearances
“It's like a religion, except the religion is about jeans and farts.”
Mommy Language
Tom Segura
Your Mom's House Podcast / Sledgehammer, 2023
“Your body just goes, 'We're shutting down.' And you're like, 'I didn't agree to this.'”
Death and Dying
Tom Segura
Mostly Stories, 2016
“I don't need a receipt for the donut. End of transaction.”
The Receipt for the Donut
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch All Together, 2003
“No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.”
My Friend Asked Me If I Wanted a Frozen Banana
Mitch Hedberg
Strategic Grill Locations, 1999
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member.”
Club Sandwich
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch All Together, 2003
“There is no sex in the champagne room.”
No Sex in the Champagne Room
Chris Rock
Bigger & Blacker, 1999
“You're either married and bored, or single and lonely.”
Married and Bored, Single and Lonely
Chris Rock
Never Scared, 2004
“My mother's shoe had a guidance system.”
Your Mother Threw a Shoe
Eddie Murphy
Delirious, 1983
“I'm not a pessimist. I'm an optometrist. I see things clearly.”
Out to Lunch
Mark Normand
Out to Lunch, YouTube, 2020
“My body's a temple. Unfortunately, it's one of those temples in a war zone.”
Soup to Nuts - Joke Machine
Mark Normand
Soup to Nuts, Netflix, 2023
“My apartment is so small, I have to go outside to change my mind.”
New York City Survival
Mark Normand
Various specials and late-night appearances
“Comedy is the only job where your commute is longer than your workday.”
Tuesdays with Stories
Mark Normand
Tuesdays with Stories podcast, 2013-present
“Dating apps are just online shopping for people.”
Dating in the Modern Era
Mark Normand
Various specials and appearances
“Comedy!”
Comedy!
Mark Normand
Various appearances and social media
“She asked me if the earth was round or flat and I had to think about it.”
Full Circle
Nate Bargatze
The Greatest Average American, Netflix, 2021
“My dad's a magician. Which sounds cool until you realize it means we were poor.”
The Magic Show
Nate Bargatze
The Tennessee Kid / Various specials
“The middle seat is punishment. God looked at your life and said, 'Middle seat.'”
The Airplane
Nate Bargatze
Various specials
“I got in an argument about the economy. I don't know what the economy is.”
Hello World - We're Dumb
Nate Bargatze
Hello World, Netflix, 2023
“I'm the most boring person from the most exciting state.”
The Greatest Average American
Nate Bargatze
The Greatest Average American, Netflix, 2021
“Gorilla Glue is for when you've given up on doing things correctly.”
SNL Monologue - Gorilla Glue
Nate Bargatze
Saturday Night Live, October 2023
“People's yards had animals in them. Not pets—animals.”
Growing Up in Louisiana
Theo Von
Various specials and podcast appearances
“We didn't have money, but we had each other. Which is what poor people say.”
Regular People
Theo Von
Regular People, Netflix, 2021
“He looked like if a cigarette was a person.”
Theo's Metaphors
Theo Von
This Past Weekend podcast / Various appearances
“My mama didn't play. She was the mama that ate the cookies and dared you to say something.”
My Mama
Lavell Crawford
Various specials and appearances
“I didn't sneak in here. There was no element of surprise.”
Being a Big Man
Lavell Crawford
Various specials and appearances
“St. Louis tough is different. Nobody's bragging. They're just surviving.”
Growing Up in St. Louis
Lavell Crawford
Various specials and appearances
“I lost 120 pounds. That's a whole person. There's someone missing from this country.”
The Weight Loss
Lavell Crawford
New Look Same Funny!, Netflix, 2019
“What is the deal with airline peanuts?”
Airplane Peanuts
Jerry Seinfeld
I'm Telling You for the Last Time, 1998
“The line is a human-formed cattle chute.”
The Front of the Line
Jerry Seinfeld
23 Hours to Kill, 2020
“We couldn't believe it. It was in the kitchen! Frosting on both sides, no syrup, no butter, no plate!”
Pop-Tarts
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Before Seinfeld, 2017
“You realize that the phone is not on your side. The phone is not your friend.”
The Phone
Jerry Seinfeld
23 Hours to Kill, 2020
“The biggest bag you could find. That was your shopping cart.”
Halloween Candy
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Before Seinfeld, 2017
“Golf is the only sport where a middle-aged white man can dress like a pimp and get away with it.”
Golf
Robin Williams
Robin Williams: Live on Broadway, 2002
“Personal space—it's not a suggestion, it's a psychological need.”
Elbow Room
Robin Williams
Robin Williams: Live on Broadway, 2002
“God gave men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Viagra
Robin Williams
Robin Williams: Live on Broadway, 2002
“I don't get no respect. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”
I Don't Get No Respect
Rodney Dangerfield
Various Tonight Show appearances / It's Not Easy Bein' Me, 1986
“I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”
My Doctor
Rodney Dangerfield
Various performances
Trump vs. Biden
Shane Gillis
Beautiful Dogs, 2023
The Jeselnik Method
Anthony Jeselnik
Caligula, 2013
“Apple juice—it's a C-minus beverage.”
Apple Juice
Hannibal Buress
Animal Furnace, 2012
“The dentist is the only professional who can legally make you feel bad about yourself while you're lying down.”
Dentist
Hannibal Buress
Animal Furnace, 2012
Football Guys
Shane Gillis
Beautiful Dogs, 2023
“Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.”
I Drink Too Much
Rodney Dangerfield
It's Not Easy Bein' Me, various performances
“I was so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.”
My Looks
Rodney Dangerfield
Various performances, 1970s–2000s
Dating Apps
Nikki Glaser
Someday You'll Die, 2024
The Landlord
Hannibal Buress
Animal Furnace, 2012
Pickle Juice
Hannibal Buress
Comedy Camisado, 2014