Relationships
25 bits
“There's an epidemic of gold-digging whores in this country.”
Epidemic of Gold Digging Whores
Bill Burr
Why Do I Do This?, 2008
“Her time is more expensive than your time.”
Elephant in the Room - Time
Patrice O'Neal
Elephant in the Room, 2011
“Ain't that better?”
Ain't That Better
Patrice O'Neal
Various live performances
“The helicopter's landing on a moving ship! In the ocean!”
Cruise Ship Helicopter
Bill Burr
Let It Go, 2010
“The only hill he had left to climb!”
Arnold and His Maid
Bill Burr
You People Are All the Same, 2012
“We lie to you because we care about your feelings.”
Men Need to Cheat
Patrice O'Neal
Elephant in the Room, 2011
“Your browser history is closer to who you really are than your personality.”
The Internet Is Like Your Brain
Patrice O'Neal
Opie & Anthony appearances, various
“There's no reason to hit a woman? I could give you like seventeen right now.”
No Reason to Hit a Woman
Bill Burr
You People Are All the Same, 2012
“You don't want honesty. You want honesty that makes you feel good.”
Harassment Day
Patrice O'Neal
Opie & Anthony, various appearances
“We're all at the lake. We all know what we're doing.”
Women and Fish
Patrice O'Neal
Elephant in the Room, 2011
“Bert drinks like someone who just got bad news.”
Bert Kreischer Is The Machine
Tom Segura
Various podcasts and live appearances
“It's like a religion, except the religion is about jeans and farts.”
Mommy Language
Tom Segura
Your Mom's House Podcast / Sledgehammer, 2023
“There is no sex in the champagne room.”
No Sex in the Champagne Room
Chris Rock
Bigger & Blacker, 1999
“You're either married and bored, or single and lonely.”
Married and Bored, Single and Lonely
Chris Rock
Never Scared, 2004
“Half. She gets half.”
The Barbecue
Eddie Murphy
Raw, 1987
“I'm not a pessimist. I'm an optometrist. I see things clearly.”
Out to Lunch
Mark Normand
Out to Lunch, YouTube, 2020
“My body's a temple. Unfortunately, it's one of those temples in a war zone.”
Soup to Nuts - Joke Machine
Mark Normand
Soup to Nuts, Netflix, 2023
“Dating apps are just online shopping for people.”
Dating in the Modern Era
Mark Normand
Various specials and appearances
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
My Wife
Rodney Dangerfield
Various Tonight Show appearances
“I worked so hard to trap him.”
Trap a Man
Ali Wong
Baby Cobra, 2016
Single Lady Opening
Ali Wong
Single Lady, 2024
The Sex Stuff
Nikki Glaser
Good Clean Filth, 2022
Dating Apps
Nikki Glaser
Someday You'll Die, 2024
My Parents
Nikki Glaser
Various performances
Divorce Material
Ali Wong
Single Lady, 2024